Dear IRS,

Due to a computer glitch, we the people of the United States will be unable to pay any income taxes until such a time as all of Lois Lerner’s e-mails are recovered and delivered to the House of Representatives. If the IT department at the IRS is unable to recover the files, we can recommend a team of teenage computer gamers who could, no doubt, complete the task within a matter of minutes.

Meanwhile, we insist that Ms. Lerner and her colleagues take an indefinite leave of absence, to be enjoyed at a fully equipped, government resort facility in Fort Leavenworth, Kansas. We have arranged special, solitary accommodations for each of you. Room and board are provided at no cost, courtesy of the taxpayers. We hope you enjoy your stay.

Sincerely,

Your bosses, the American people.

cc: John Boehner, Eric Holder, Harry Reid, Barak Obama (you’re next – all of you)

P.S. Dear friends at the NSA. You are welcome to keep this on file. Perhaps you will have more luck keeping track of your records than your colleagues at the Internal Revenue Service.